i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
