wakey wakey hands off snakey
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
