It's never too late to be topless.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The struggles of a small town man whore
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
