I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
