Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
