i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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