If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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