U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
well you can't waste a boner
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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