I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
