i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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