My hand turned me down
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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