I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
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Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
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Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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