I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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