what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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