Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
