dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
