y did u give ur computer a hand job?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
