When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
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Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
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anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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