Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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