Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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