When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
