i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
