giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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