I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
P.S. I can't hear my feet
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
