..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
