Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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