you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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