the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize