i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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