4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
