i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
