So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The uberlube is also flammable
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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