I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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