1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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