I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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