I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
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I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
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I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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