I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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