Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
