I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
