I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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