I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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