the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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