anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
