38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
