News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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