Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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