You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
