I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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