apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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