remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
