Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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