We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I came so hard my ears popped.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
