he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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