just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
