There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
