Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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